Don't Make Friends Just to Practice English

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If you're learning English, you've probably heard this advice:

"You need to make some English-speaking friends to practice with."

I see comments like this all the time: "Please, teacher, I need some friends to practice English with."

I don't completely agree. Of course, I'm not saying you shouldn't have English-speaking friends. What I'm saying is this: don't look at somebody and think, "This person speaks perfect English. I want to be their friend so I can become fluent like them."

English is a skill. But your friends? They shape your personality, your way of thinking, what you believe, and how you live your life. You should expect a lot more from friendship than practice.

Here are three reasons why.

Let's say you meet someone who speaks perfect English. They're confident, funny, and easy to talk to. You think, "Perfect. If we become friends, my English will improve fast."

Then you get to know them. Maybe they complain all the time. Maybe they make fun of people who speak poor English. Maybe they're arrogant. Maybe they want to go places you don't want to go, or they push you to do things you're not comfortable with.

But you keep hanging out with them, because "Who cares? I'm practicing my English."

The pickup soccer lesson

I used to play pickup soccer every Saturday morning. (Pickup means you just show up and play. It's not a league or a tournament.) We would play, compete, joke around, and go home.

But I never became close friends with any of those guys. I don't even remember their names now. We had different lifestyles and different values. Sometimes after a game, someone would say, "Who wants to grab a couple of drinks?" I'm Muslim, so I'd say, "I'm good," and go home.

That was completely fine. They weren't bad people. We were just there to play soccer.

And in soccer, you don't talk much. But "making friends to practice English" means sharing ideas, feelings, your life, your beliefs. That's a lot of influence. If you choose a friend only because they speak good English, you have a very low standard for friendship.

The people you spend a lot of time with rub off on you. (This phrasal verb means they slowly influence your personality and behavior.)

Think about the last family gathering you went to. How many people were talking? And how many were scrolling on their phones?

If everyone around you is scrolling, do you think you'll be the one in the corner reading a book? Probably not. And if you say, "Hey, I have a business idea," they'll say, "Business idea? Hey, watch this funny video."

Surround yourself with people who care about growing: people who read, who talk about ideas, and for those of us who are Muslim, people who love to talk about the Quran, the Prophet, peace be upon him, and our beautiful history.

Because when you become close friends with someone, you don't just pick up their words and expressions. You pick up their habits, attitudes, and routines too.

This one is especially for those of you who moved to a new country, or a new city for school or work.

Your English isn't strong yet. Your family and friends are back home. You go to work, you come home, and you feel lonely. Then someone starts talking to you, and you think, "Finally, someone to hang out with. And they speak English. Even better!"

So you ignore the things that make you uncomfortable. "Who cares? I'm improving my English."

Well, you might be improving your English, but you could be damaging other parts of your life: your identity, your values, your personality.

And please, don't think about marriage this way either. "I'll marry a native speaker, and they'll help me become fluent." I know many people married to native speakers whose English is still weak. Why? Because you're not marrying a tutor. You're building a life together. Life gets busy. Children get busy. Nobody has time to give you English lessons.

Give yourself a higher standard: for friendship, for marriage, for every connection.

A few weeks ago, I taught a free class at a coffee shop. Afterwards, one person asked me, "Teacher, can we become friends? Maybe on Sundays you can come and teach me English."

I said no. First, I don't have time. Second, a friendship should never start with "What can I get from you?"

Flip the question. Instead of looking for someone better than you to "use," ask: "What can I give to this friendship?" Sometimes the best study partner is someone at your level, with your values, chasing the same goal. You understand each other, and you help each other grow.

There are plenty of ways to practice speaking:

And if you live in an English-speaking country, get involved in your religious community. If you're Muslim, find your local mosque and volunteer. Help out. That's where you'll meet like-minded people who care about the same things you do, and some of them might even be English teachers.

Speaking practice

Answer these out loud, in full sentences, for one minute each:

I'm also building a community for like-minded learners: people on a similar path who want to improve their English and make good friends along the way. If that sounds like you, just hit reply and say "I'm in."

Want to hear the full lesson in my own voice? It's great listening and shadowing practice.

And if you know a like-minded friend who needs this, forward this email to them.

Thanks for reading.

Ziyad
The English Zone